The Unsettling Story of Howard’s First Girlfriend
by ArisisKitae
Summary: Howard's somehow bagged a girl, and Vince isn't very thrilled about it. It's Vince's job to break up the romance before things get too serious. Vince/Howard
1. Howard Extends an Unexpected Invitation

**Author's Note:** Hope you enjoy this first installment of the story. Expect some angst and a hint of melodrama at first. There are mature themes but nothing that would make the typical Boosh viewer blush. I did my best with British slang but I apologize if anything reads awkwardly.Without further ado, I bring you:

**The Unsettling Story of Howard's First Girlfriend **

_**In Which Howard Extends an Unexpected Invitation**_

Vince tiptoed up the steps of the flat he shared with Naboo, Bollo, and Howard, trying not to make any noise despite being completely smashed. Leroy's cousin Mark kept the fruity-tasting but extremely alcoholic drinks coming the whole evening. The way he did so reminded Vince of how he would try to get girls drunk in college in order to get them to make out with him—which never stopped being weird each time it happened.

When Vince approached the room he and Howard shared, he was surprised to see the light still on, and one of Howard's ridiculous argyle socks around the doorknob. Vince stood right in front of the door, listening to a woman's soft giggle and Howard's low voice muttering unintelligible sweet nothings, feeling his nausea grow by the second.

In seconds he was in the bathroom, retching into the toilet for a full minute, even when his stomach was completely emptied he remained bent over, dry-heaving and feeling completely disgusting.

When he was finally able to straighten himself he stared at himself in the mirror not daring to blink lest the tears come. Yeah, he was a huge hippo...hippo-something—hypocrite. He's slept with more women then Howard's gone to first base with. He had always justified it in his own head, telling himself that it didn't matter because he didn't love those he slept with—they were just a momentary preoccupation, a hobby of sorts. But Vince knew Howard. It wasn't really that he was in there no doubt getting his rocks off, it was that he would only be getting his rocks off if he was in love.

Howard Moon: Man in Love. Didn't have the same ring as Howard Moon: Man of Action, or Howard Moon: Stationary Organizing Extraordinaire for that matter. The idea of Howard having anything better to do than listen to old jazz records and shift paperclips about—having _someone ­_better to do than boring Howard stuff.

When he had exited the bathroom, the giggling turned into creaking bedsprings and soft moaning. Vince sat down on the couch and stared into the darkness.

The next morning Vince woke on the couch as Howard walked in, already dressed and with a spring in his step.

"My dear friend Vince, I have news for you," he announced, handing Vince a glass of orange juice.

Vince stared at Howard blankly, not wanting to encourage an answer.

"Last night Howard Moon finally became a man. I know I'm just getting to know Vanessa, but I think I'm falling in love."

"You don't say." He winced inwardly at his comeback. _Stupid hangover._

"Can't hardly believe it myself, but there you have it. I want you to meet her. We're going to Marinello's tonight and we'd like you, Ballo, and Naboo to join us."

"Howard, I can't go to Marinello's! What if someone sees me there? They'll think I've lost my edge."

"This isn't about impressing people, now is it? I really fancy Vanessa and want you to meet her and frankly I don't care if you look like the biggest prat in Camden. Vanessa could very well be my future wife so I can't have those people you call friends mucking it up."

"I doubt this Vanessa is that into you." It was low, attacking his confidence but Vince couldn't help himself. _He called her his future wife_.

"No woman can stay away from Howard Moon once they've had their first taste."

"I bet you lasted no more than five minutes. There's no woman on earth that can get off on a five minute shag, it's scientifically impossible. I bet she's looking for the nearest exit." In reality Howard had managed to last ten minutes—Vince kept track.

"Maybe that's the way things work with the girls you sleep with, but Vanessa is a woman of substance. She's attracted to what's inside me, Vince."

"That's disgusting! I'd stay away from that girl if I were you Howard."

Just then Naboo and Bollo emerged from the other room. Howard turned to them in order to extend the invitation to them, and Vince took the opportunity to slip out, feeling a perverse feeling of pleasure as he overheard the gorilla and the shaman making up lies about why they couldn't meet Howard and Vanessa for lunch.

* * *

As Vince was walking to the rail station, he pressed Leroy's speed dial on his mobile but immediately canceled the call. He scrolled through his address book in its entirety before folding the phone closed and slipping it back in his pocket.

* * *

The cute Top Shop salesgirl shot him a grin when he entered the store. He nodded a greeting in return and proceeded to search out the next Vince Noir outfit of glorious proportions. After much searching through the racks, fabric pinching, and trips into the changing room Vince had made his selection. Upon discovery of the red lame three piece suit Vince had decided there was no way he was going to miss his chance to meet Vanessa.

The salesgirl held up the suit, admiring it. "Ooh this is _very_ Sebastian Horsley. I always though his look would suit you."

"Yeah, I want to look as fabulous as possible tonight."

"Does The Boosh have a gig?"

"Not anytime soon, actually. My mate Howard's having me meet his girlfriend." He realized how weird that sounded. "We're going to the Velvet Onion afterward though. Maybe I'll catch you there?"

Vince was aware that he was being way more forward than usual. He even picked an easy target, which he normally refrained from doing to keep from getting bored. The shop girl was just backup in case Plan A failed, anyway.

"You might," the girl looked to hardly be able to mask her excitement. "But if you and Howard split you might want to give my friend Jeff a call."

Vince was about to make an ass of himself when he remembered meeting a Jeff a week a so ago who was longing for a leading man in his band. So instead he took the girl's number and left the store much more calmed by this most recent dose of retail therapy.

**A/N: **Hope you enjoyed the story so far! Of course reviews would be appreciated. Until next time...


	2. Vince's Plan Goes Terribly Awry

**Author's Notes:** First off, thanks for all of the kind reviews. I'm always a bit nervous to share my work with others, so I'm glad to see all of the nice things being said about this story. I have to give a language warning, as there are a couple words used in the second part of the chapter that could be considered offensive. Well, we left Vince concocting a clever plan to break Howard and Vanessa up. Let's see how that goes...

**The Unsettling Story of Howard's First Girlfriend **

_**In Which Vince's Plan Goes Terribly Awry **_

Vince walked into the shop with a garment bag over his shoulder. Howard was busying himself with alphabetizing the records on display, scatting to himself in that same way that always made Vince's skin crawl, but he sucked it up. If his plan was going to work, he needed to be on Howard's good side.

"Hey Howard. Sorry for being such a prick back there. I'm sure your sexual performance was adequate and..." Howard shot him a glare. "I'm looking forward to meeting Vanessa."

Howard appeared to want to say something argumentative, but realizing there was no challenge in Vince's statement, he spoke in a soft dreamy voice reserved for rare jazz albums and the praise of good curry.

"You'll love her Vince. She's a real woman."

_Hook._

"Can I give you some advice though?" In light of the reconciliation, Howard seemed willing to hear him out. "If you are too nice to a girl she won't be able to respect you. So if she asks you to hold her purse or something by any means don't do it."

"Thanks but I don't need to take advice from someone who wears reflective clothing, now do I?"

_Line_.

"Maybe you're right," Vince said thoughtfully. "Perhaps I should rethink my whole lifestyle." With that he turned on his heel, relishing in the fact that by leaving him with an agreement he was leaving him wanting more.

_Sinker_.

* * *

It took the rest of the afternoon for Vince to get ready for dinner what with the exfoliating, moisturizing, black head extractions, hairstyling, nail polishing, and accessorizing that had to be done. Vince knew that all of this fuss over his appearance was considered vain by most everyone apart from Vince's many cliques—okay just Howard—but it gave him time to think whereas other people spent the same amount of time working, watching, going to church, and a whole lot of other rubbish. It calmed him. He knew he could pull off just about any style—even the ones that didn't favor androgyny—which gave him a sense of control over his life that he didn't have when the crazy adventures that always seemed to happen to him, or even when the everyday bullshit made him feel pent up and stir crazy.

Masterpiece complete, Vince emerged from his room. Howard was waiting on the sofa impatiently checking his wristwatch. At the sound of Vince shutting the door to their room, Howard turned around.

"Let's head out now, we're running late."

"You could have told me to speed things up."

"I know better than to disturb an artist at work," Howard explained, grabbing his coat and keys. Vince felt a little surge of guilt over what he was about to do, but stifled it, reminding himself that he had no choice.

* * *

Vince immediately remembered why he loathed restaurants. Actually he had never grown out of his childhood hatred of them. Vince just wasn't raised to sit still, make polite dinner conversation, and do whatever else people did at nice restaurants. Sure, he could be a legend in his world and an idol on Naboo's planet, but the realm of fancy restaurants, five star hotels, and garden parties saw him as just some punk faggot with no taste and no future.

Despite Howard's repeated complaints of how late they were, Vanessa was not at Marinello's when they arrived. As soon as they were seated Vince ordered a One-Balled Dictator and then settled for a Mimosa after reading through a drink menu that didn't contain any drink names with embarrassing puns, not to mention edgy double-entendres.

When Vanessa is escorted to the table Vince is taken aback by how stunning she actually was. Of course he wasn't expecting to come face to face with one of his stick-thin scene girls with a plain face covered in ultraneon makeup. But he also didn't think Vanessa would be akin to some Pinup legend with luxurious curls and an unspoken voluptuousness that was translated into her every move.

Howard immediately rose and kissed her on the cheek. He placed a hand on the third chair at the table and pulled it away quickly in an awkward moment not lost on both Vanessa and Vince.

"Vince, this is Vanessa. Vanessa, this is Vince."

"Nice to meet you." Vanessa squeezed his hand, her eyes locked on Vince in a intense way he never experienced before. And then, brightly, "I've heard a lot about you."

"Wish I could say the same," Vince responded in what he hoped sounded not all that bitter.

"That's my fault. Monopolizing your best friend for a whole week like that."

Vince tensed at this new bit of information. A whole week? Howard had being seeing someone every night for an entire week and Vince was too busy partying to notice. He probably wouldn't have came home in time to catch them in the act if Leroy's cousin didn't letch out the night before.

"Vince was no doubt off with his friends while we were together, Vanessa. No need to feel guilty."

The waiter arrives and takes their orders and Howard made a lame joke about his fish that sent Vanessa into a laughing fit as the waiter and Vince watched silently.

"So where'd you two meet?" Vince found himself asking despite himself.

"At Nabootique, actually. Howard picked me out a record, and I already think I've started to wear out the grooves. It's been on repeat at home ever since I asked him over to listen to it with me."

Vince couldn't believe it. A woman had actually picked _Howard_ up. Why was the universe so content to merely allow Howard to become infatuated with women who would never notice him all this time and then suddenly throw him a vixen who became obsessed with him upon first glace at his dented hat and barely-there mustache. It went against nature.

The server brought their salads, giving Vince an excuse to eat in silence and plan his next move.

"Howard will you pass the pepper?"

"I'm sure you can reach it, Vanessa," Howard replied, surprising Vince.

"Howard—"

Howard immediately set the pepper shaker in Vanessa's hand and planted another kiss on her cheek.

_This is bizarre_, thought Vince.

"Will you excuse me? The wine's catching up to me sooner than usual," Howard suddenly announced before standing and heading toward the restroom. Leaving Vince and Vanessa alone.

"Listen, Oscar Wilde. You're gonna abandon your little crush on Howard, as adorable as it is. You're gonna find your little hipster friends to be the most exciting people ever for the next two weeks, and most of all you are going to stop with the bullshit that you've been pulling all evening. Howard's mine and nothing you could do will stop me."

"You little _bitch_—"

"_Naughty_ Vince. You don't want me to tell Howard that you haven't been playing nice. You'll just loose him faster."

"There's no way Howard would leave me for you."

"I'm sure you wouldn't know this, but during the first week of a relationship that lasts longer than the time required to seduce one's partner, details of...past relationships are inevitably shared. How did it feel when you put yourself out there and Howard chucked you for...what did he call her?"

"The pencil case girl." It was one of the nights that will be forever burned into his memory. When Howard had tackled him off the roof and onto the bouncy castle, he thought he was finally going to go there with Howard. On a bouncy castle, no less. Instead Vince paid the pencil case girl to slip out just as he had paid her to show up at the shop to begin with. He slept in the bouncy castle that night, his sobs drowned out by the bouncy castle's air compressor.

"I've got so much more to offer than you or the little pencil case whore. You think Howard's going to choose _you_ over someone like me. We both _love_ jazz. My flat is _extremely_ organized. Most importantly, I have the essential...anatomy. You were right about Howard, by the way. He definitely is not gay."

Before Vince could respond, Howard returned to the table, oblivious to the heavy mood that had descended upon his dinner mates.

"What did I miss?"

"Vince and I were just discussing our mutual admiration of you. Weren't we, Vince?" Vanessa's voice was suddenly bubbly again.

The food arrived, much to Vince's relief, and he was about to dig in when Howard lifted his wine glass and cleared his throat.

"This night isn't just about the meeting of the two most important people in my life, it was going to be the eve of a new beginning. I'm leaving my post at Nabootique. I have a job downtown in a call center."

"You're quitting your job? But Naboo needs you!" _I need you_.

"I believe I'm leaving the shop in good hands. I recommended you for the position."

"Howard, why are you doing this? Why would you want to work at a call center? Those places suck the life out of you."

"Sure, they're turnover rate is mostly due to suicides, but I'll make twice what I make at Nabootique."

"What do you need the money for? It's not like you wear expensive clothes."

"I'm not going to spend the money on clothes, now am I? In two weeks time I'm getting an apartment with Vanessa."

Vince stared at Howard, unable to speak. He could see it right now. Howard packing up his things. The two of them sharing an awkward but manly hug—shoulder taps and all. And then Vince will be left alone staring at the bare mattress that used to be Howard's bed, unable to tell his best friend about the terrible day he had.

"I can't believe this." Vince slammed the money for his uneaten food on the table and sped out of the restaurant, leaving an angry Howard and a smirking Vanessa behind.

**A/N: **Aw, poor Vince. Looks like things aren't going quite as planned.


	3. Vince Turns to Naboo for Guidance

**Author's Notes:** This one was a little harder to write than usual, as it is sort of an in between chapter. I think it turned out well, considering, however. But there's one thing I've always been wondering: how come whenever money is exchanged on _The Boosh_ they are always dealing in euros?

**The Unsettling Story of Howard's First Girlfriend**

_**In Which Vince Turns to Naboo for Guidance**_

Vince walked past the three-block long queue occupied by hipsters and scene kids until he came across the entrance of the Velvet Onion. Ned the Ned was not present at his regular post as security for the night club, and inexplicably Bob Fossil himself had taken his post.

"Hey Bob," Vince greeted, on his way in but was stopped by the overweight American.

"Can't you see the line, young lady?" he said loudly, as if purposefully trying to embarrass Vince.

"No Fossil, it's me, Vince. Come on just let me in."

"I don't know anyone named Vince," Fossil said in a thoughtful but childlike tone. "What I _do_ know is that it's gonna take either ass, cash, or grass to get into this club without waiting in that line. And I prefers ass."

"Fine," Vince sighed. "What'll it be, twenty euros?"

"A hundred."

"Seventy-five."

"Eighty."

"Sixty-five."

"Fifty."

Vince held out the money. "Deal."

Vince trotted into the club, ready to turn the night around. He was gonna get drunk off his tits, go home with the Top Shop girl, and most importantly, have a night a hundred times better than anything Howard and _Vanessa_ would ever do...

Which was now completely impossible because of all things, an _electro _ _jazz_ group was playing. It sounded terrible, like someone was scatting over synthesizers, a drum machine, and a saxophone. And worst of all, all of his friends were near at the front of the stage, eating it up. Vince raced over there to round them up in order to go to club Dial Tone—anywhere far, far, away, but when he got closer to the stage there was Howard, shiny with sweat from the hot stage lights, and Vanessa in a vinyl dominatrix catsuit, scatting and doing an inane dance which consisted entirely of waving a single finger rhythmically in the air.

"Howard, no!"

"What's the matter, Vince?" a female voice asked.

Vince was awake in his room. The Top Shop girl was lying on her side next to him, looking disheveled, bone tired, and, well frankly like she had a night with Vince Noir.

"Oh, nothing. Nightmare." He looked over her shoulder across the room. Howard wasn't in bed. _Must've locked him out._ A little cynical voice inside him added, _or he didn't come home at all_. "I'm gonna get a glass of water."

Vince left the room just as Howard was carefully entering the flat, intending not to wake anyone.

"Where'd the psycho bitch go?" Vince asked, making Howard jump.

"Do you mind? I don't know what you have against Vanessa, but whatever it is, you ignore it sir. You hurt her feelings tonight Vince."

"Hurt _her_ feelings? She's not the one who's being abandoned by his best friend!"

"I should have _known_ you wouldn't approve of us! You're always trying to get me to play the field more—always got me in some embarrassing outfit to impress those girls of yours. Always 'Don't wear a beige sweater with khakis, Howard,' and, 'Howard, stop telling that story about the ferret that gave you a fortune cookie.' You're always trying to make me another one of your little Vince-clones that you go gallivanting about with. You can't deal with the fact that not everyone wants to be as much of a self-absorbed, empty-headed ponce as the great Vince Noir."

"You know what, Howard? Don't feel like you need to wait two weeks to move out. Sooner the better."

Vince walked past Howard and exited the flat, slamming the door behind him. The air was cold and he had not grabbed a coat, so he went downstairs to the Nabootique and stood in the darkness.

Vince felt really silly for thinking that some little scheme would have made things go back to normal with Howard. But there were three different plans in case one or two of them failed miserably. There was no room for failure. Plan A: drive Vanessa and Howard apart by making him insecure and allow him to screw things up himself. Plan B: Make Howard jealous with the Top Shop girl. Plan C: Seduce Vanessa. That last one was shameless, but it had worked with Gideon. Vanessa had known how to circumvent each little scheme. In fact, she seemed to know his every weakness as soon as she set eyes on him.

It seemed like when things started to get like this, Howard always found a way to get himself into some sort of trouble and Vince would be able to sort things out and everything would just go back to normal. What was there to save him from this time, apart from slow death of mediocrity and a woman who was as evil as satan himself?

He just didn't know what to do...

* * *

Howard stood there, staring into the dark for a full minute after Vince slammed the door. Was he making a mistake? He had never been this happy in his whole life, but was it worth it to throw away his friendship with Vince? They've been friends a very long time and had stuck together through thick and thin, but it seemed like all the times they shared were now half-memories, like when your mother tells you about something you did when you were very little so many times that you think you remember doing it, but you're just imagining the incident.

All this thinking was making Howard really sleepy. It seemed that whenever he was away from Vanessa he was always falling asleep and having dreams about her. In one dream she had turned into a python and was suffocating him slowly, but he tried not to think of it. Dreams were nothing but the rubbish your mind can't seem to throw out, right?

_Oh come on Howard, go to bed. It's nearly dawn._ He opened the door to the room he and Vince shared—and would no longer soon, and something stirred in the darkness, frightening him?

"Vince?" a female voice called out into the darkness.

Howard stopped in his tracks. Was he really going to sleep in the same room as one of Vince's scene girls? Alone? The thought of spending a night in the same room as of a woman who wasn't Vanessa was unthinkable. He made for the door, grabbing his coat on the way out.

* * *

Vince was shaken awake just a few hours later by Naboo. "What do you think you're doing?" the shaman asked.

"What's it look like? I was asleep," Vince groaned. He was sore from sleeping without a proper pillow and a blanket that was not long enough to cover his body, not to mention that he was more than a little hung over. "I feel bloody terrible."

"Now that Howard's left you've got to run the shop in the morning," Naboo told him. "Which is convenient since you're already here."

"Aw, sorry Naboo, but I've got some things to sort out."

"There's something I've been meaning to talk to you about. Remember when the zoo closed and you and Howard asked us if we'd let you rent a room?"

"Oh, right, Howard went over it with you while I had a gig with that noise band."

"I said no at first. I didn't want to share a flat this small with three other people. He paid both his and your half of the rent."

"He told me you said we could stay for free because we were friends. If you refused we were going to find a two-bedroom..."

"What I'm saying is that 350 euro are due on the fifteenth of each month." He started to walk away, but Vince stopped him.

"Wait, Naboo. Have you noticed something strange about Howard lately?"

"Someone finds him attractive?"

"I mean, in addition to that. In all the years we've been best mates he's never acted like this. I mean, normally we're always pissing each other off one way or another. But soon after we've had some time to cool off we see each other and it's like...like we tried going it solo and we both were miserable the whole time. But now..."

"How long have you been in love with Howard?"

As Naboo spoke the door opened and closed, but Vince was too surprised to notice.

"I'm _not_ in love with Howard! I just thought that we'd be best mates forever and now his too busy shagging some jazz slut to even talk to me!"

"Hello Howard," Naboo said over Vince's shoulder. Vince turned around and cursed loudly.

The three of them stood there awkwardly for a very long, tense moment, until Naboo, turned on his heel and walked out, saying "I think my eggs are burning" over his shoulder. Howard looked at Vince with the expression of a child who got caught going in the sweets cupboard after bedtime.

"I was going to turn in my key to the shop. Better be after Naboo."

"Wait."

Howard stopped immediately, but said nothing.

"This place isn't gonna be the same without you around."

"You'll manage."

"Remember that time that old lady came in with her nightclothes on?"

Howard thought about it for awhile. "Not off the top my head."

"Aw, come on, she was an absolute nutter. She demanded to be able to take a nap on that bed we had in here? You know, the one with the pineapple on the bedposts."

"You must have been with Naboo or something."

"No, I know it was you because you didn't just kick her out like Naboo would've done. You said you needed the commission off that sale."

Howard shrugged. "I guess I don't remember."

"Why have you been paying my rent?"

"Naboo and I made that arrangement years ago. I can't recall the details..."

"It was only two years ago! You can recall in full detail events that happened during World War II but you can't tell me something about something that happed just two years ago?"

"I wasn't _alive_ during World War II, now was I? Look, I'd like to continue this chat, but I've got to get to work. Give Naboo this key. I'll see you later, okay?"

"I'll be by the phone for your call," snapped Vince sarcastically, snatching up the key. He didn't wait for Howard to leave before he stepped out.

"Okay, something is seriously wrong with Howard," he told Naboo when he entered the flat. "I tried to initiate a crimp but he just kind of looked at me as if I've gone bonkers. Nothing like that has ever happed before."

"He wouldn't join your crimp?"

"Wouldn't? More like couldn't. It's like he doesn't remember anything that didn't happen just this week."

"Things are worse than I realized. Vince, Howard's under the control of a succubus."

"I'm pretty sure I would have noticed if a Hoover were controlling Howard."

**A/N:**Duh, duh, duh! How's Vince gonna save Howard this time? You might have to wait a bit longer than usual for chapter four since I've got the _Pineapple Express _opening to go to and a British Comedy marathon with my friends the next day. But I'll do my best to get it out soon since the next chapter's gonna be a good one.


	4. Vince and Howard Become Attached

**Author's Notes:** Yeah, I know I said this chapter would take a while, but it was so fun to write that I got it completed rather quickly Hold on to your seats, because this chapter's a good one. Starts where we left off, with Naboo just figuring out that Vanessa is a succubus. A little language, and mature themes so mind the ratings if you're a young'n.

**The Unsettling Story of Howard's First Love**

_**In Which Vince and Howard Become Very Attached to One Another**_

"No you berk, he's under the control of a succubus! It's a demon that likes to shag monks living in celibacy and slowly drain their life force."

"Could see why it'd go after Howard, then. How do we save him then?"

"Not many men have survived a succubus. But I remember seeing something in one of my books about one instance..." Naboo darted out of the room, and soon returned with his book of demons. "All right, it was man from the fifties who had separated from his wife after he caught her with a Hoover salesman. A succubus had come in his dreams and seduced him, which allowed the succubus to take physical form and start leeching his life force. His wife felt guilty about the Hoover salesmen, so she sought him out and he confessed that he had been with another woman. She refused to leave him alone at night and tied their ankles together when they slept so that she'd know if he snuck out at night."

"What a hypocrite."

"After a week the man was cured of his desire for the succubus, and the succubus lost physical form and was unable to attack him again."

"What does that have to do with anything? Howard doesn't have a promiscuous but jealous wife!"

Naboo glared at him pointedly and produced a pair of handcuffs. "You've got to handcuff yourself to Howard. You must be careful though, the succubus can still get to both you and Howard in its physical form."

Vince took the handcuffs and inspected them. "All right, I'll be off as soon as I get the key."

"The succubus can gain control over you as well. I'm keeping it; as a powerful shaman I'm immune to a succubus' charms."

* * *

"I'm looking for Howard Moon's office. Could you tell me where to find it?" Vince smiled at the secretary and held out the potted plant with the pair of handcuffs hidden under some peat moss. "I've got an office warming gift for him."

"Let's see...Howard's cubicle is 35J. We're not really supposed to keep plants because the General Manager thinks they cause distractions, and I'm supposed to make anyone who comes in with on throw it away, but since you're cute and you're being a good friend I'm not going to."

"Cheers. Thanks..."

"Blaire. I don't usually do this, but.." she grabbed a post it note and scribbled something down. "Call me sometime?"

Vince nearly took the post-it, but pulled his hand back. "I'd like to, but I don't think you'd want me to have it in a few minutes."

As he was walking down the seemingly endless sea of cubicles, a telephone would ring every other second. Vince couldn't imagine spending five minutes in this place let alone eight hours.

He finally found Howard's cubicle.

"Goodday sir, this is Howard Moon, I'm calling to—It's Howard _Moon_, sir. I was calling to ask you a few questions about your mobile—Why, that was rude," he said when the person on the other end hung up.

"Hey Howard," Vince popped in. "I brought you a Dracaena."

"Look, Vince I'm really too busy to chat. If I took a break the place would fall apart without me."

"I'll just be hand this off, then."

Vince made like he was going to hand over the plant, and as Howard got closer he hit him over the head with the terracotta pot, knocking him straight out. The pot crumbled into pieces, and all that was left in his hands was the handcuffs.

"Sorry Howard," said Vince grimly, before springing into action.

Vince attached the handcuff to Howard's wrist before he snapped on to his own wrist. _Not the most attractive accessory I've ever worn, but it'll have to do._

Moment's later, Vince emerged into the lobby, dragging an unconscious Howard behind himself like a hunting prize.

"Laters Blaire." Vince shot a devilish grin to the secretary on his way out.

* * *

When Howard came to he was lying on the sofa and the television was on, with Vince sitting cross-legged on the floor by his feet with an arm stretched out across the front of the couch. It was only until he attempted to roll over that he noticed the handcuffs connecting them.

"Oh you're awake. This program was beginning to bore me. What kind of sitcom has an ape in it?"

"Vince..."

"Yes, Howard?"

"Why are we handcuffed together?"

"You're girlfriend's a succubus and you'll die a horrible death if I let you out of my sight," Vince replied as if it were so very simple.

Howard sat up. "Have you gone wrong? Why won't you just leave me and Vanessa well enough alone?"

"Vince is right," Naboo said, entering the room. "The succubus has already started draining the life out of you. You've got a job at a call center for pete's sake."

"Speaking of which, why did you take me from work? You might've gotten me chucked."

"Don't act like this isn't an inconvenience to me. I've had to cancel all social arrangements for a whole week!"

"Social arrangements are one matter; survey giving is the glue that holds this very nation together."

"No one would even talk to you. They'd just hang up after they'd hear your voice."

"That was just the one. Everyone else I called before you kidnapped me was delighted to take my survey. One man I called was going to commit suicide that day but didn't because I had called him, and talked him down like true hero."

"You're ridiculous," Vince laughed, and unlike he usually did, he just let the issue drop. "What do you want for dinner? I'll make you something if you're willing to follow me around the whole time."

"That sounds good and all, but Vince..."

"What?"

"I've got to take a piss."

Bollo emerged from his room with his DJ equipment and gestured toward the door. "Vince, Bollo and I have a gig, so make sure you keep Howard away from the succubus while I'm gone," Naboo said, walking toward the door.

"Sure thing, Naboo. We're just going to pop into the can and then make some dinner, you know have a quiet evening."

"I've got a bad feeling about this," Bollo groaned, shutting the door.

* * *

"I can't believe you wash your hands before and after you take a piss. That's just overkill. Your hands have to be as dry as," Vince reached down and grabbed Howard's hand, not really thinking about what he was doing. "Oh, wow."

"So I've thought about your offer."

"Like to make a request?"

"Spaghetti."

Twenty minutes later, Vince was at the stove while Howard sat in a wheelchair reading _The Definitive Guide to Uncertainty_, rolling about wherever Vince needed to go.

"You just about finished? My arm's falling asleep," Howard complained.

"All right, Howard, I think I've got the sauce just about perfect."

Howard looked up from his book. "Let me taste."

Vince spooned out some of the sauce and blew on it a few times so that it wouldn't burn Howard's mouth when he tasted it. Just as Vince started to bring the spoon forward, Howard pulled back on the wheel of his wheelchair, pulling Vince forward unexpectedly. He spilled the sauce all over his shirt and fell onto Howard's lap.

"You've ruined my shirt, Howard!" He climbed off of Howard pointed at the large red stain. "What was that for?"

"For kidnapping me. For taking me away from my love like some sort of—"

"Great, now I've got to change my shirt," Vince interrupted before Howard could start his rambling.

He dragged Howard into their room and was beginning to pull the shirt over his head when he realized that it would be impossible to do so with Howard handcuffed to him. Howard started chuckling when Vince brought the top back over his head.

"This isn't funny, Howard! How am I supposed to get this shirt off?"

Howard stood from the wheelchair and guided Vince to his chest of drawers. He opened up his sock drawer and removed a small switchblade.

"Easy, Howard. I know you're still a mad at me, but we're friends, right? You wouldn't stab me—oh God..."

Vince shut his eyes as Howard brought the knife down, expecting the worst. Howard made several long cuts, but Vince had not felt any pain. When he opened his eyes, his shirt was in pieces at his feet, with only the collar hanging around his neck.

Holy shit that was hot.

"I think you're sauce is burning," Howard said, sending the two of them minus one shirt flying into the kitchen.

Vince threw on Naboo's "Kiss the Shaman" apron and started stirring the sauce. "No, it's fine." He pulled out a noodle from the hot water, let it cool, and bit into it. "Actually, everything's ready. I need you're help with straining the noodles though."

With a little ado they had managed to strain the noodles without either of them burning themselves and sat down to a delicious meal without anyone getting pasta flung at them.

"I wish Naboo would get back so I could get a real shirt on. This apron's embarrassing."

"I wish I could call Vanessa."

"Oh, quit that."

"You may see her as some kind of a demon, but Vanessa and I have a real connection."

"No you don't! This," Vince gestured at the two of them with his handcuffed hand. "This is a real connection."

"What, unconsenting bondage?"

"No! Our friendship. We've been friends since primary school! And here you are willing to throw it away for a demon in high heels that you've merely known for a week!"

Howard looked down at his shoes. "I didn't think you'd care all that much."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Every night you go out and you rarely ever invite me. And during the hours we're supposed to be sharing a shift at the shop you don't show up until halfway through and then you leave an hour early when Leroy shows up. It's as if you'd rather do anything else than spend time with me."

Vince hung his head in shame. All this time he was so angry at Howard when he had been doing the same types of things for years. "I'm really sorry I let things get so bad. But I promise that if we get rid of this succubus I'll make things better. We can do the things we've always talked about doing together that we never got around to. We can go on an American tour. We'll go to Africa and take photos of endangered animals. We'll go to Japan and seduce a couple of geishas. It'll be just like old times, but we'll be doing loads of cool things!"

"It's not enough, Vince! It doesn't matter if we go of and have a million adventures together and then one day we both die minutes apart from one another like some bizarre old married couple. I still won't be happy because the two us, we're just being alone together. I need someone who loves me, Vince."

"Oh for the love of God, I love you Howard!" Vince blurted.

"I know you wouldn't underst—what?"

"I love you. I always have. Why else would I have stuck with you all these years? I've told you before, back when Black Frost was coming for us. Don't worry, you don't have to say it back; I know you don't love me, not the way I love you. I just wanted to let you know that there's someone who loves you that isn't a life-sucking demon..."

"Vince...I..."

Before Howard could finish his sentence, there was a knock on the door. The two of them got up to answer it, Howard swinging open the door and Vince peering over his shoulder in curiosity.

"Hey boys," grinned Vanessa. "Mind letting me in?"

**A/N: **Oh, come on, things can't be that easy for Vince! Well, time for a night of watching The Boosh, Coupling, and The IT Crowd. Cheers!


	5. Our Heroes Battle a Powerful Evil

**Author's Note:** This chapter is a might violent, and sexual themes run a little rampant, so if in doubt, treat this chapter like an M rating. I don't think it warrants a raise in rating, but I wanted to warn the young teens and the particularly faint at heart (why are you even reading Boosh slash, huh?) so that I don't feel like I'm corrupting the innocent. Now that the warning is out of the way, get ready for the final showdown!

**The Unsettling Story of Howard's First Girlfriend**

_**In Which Our Heroes Battle a Powerful Evil**_

"Get stuffed, you evil bitch," spat Vince, reaching around Howard to slam the door. With surprising speed she stopped the door and threw it open.

"Oh, Vincie, you wouldn't want me to tell your little secret now would you?" She sneered, making his blood boil.

"What secret?" Howard demanded.

"Vince here wants himself a mustachioed jazz maverick with a love of stationary," said Vanessa in the tone of a schoolgirl teasing the nerdy girl with a crush on the Homecoming King.

"Oh," said Howard, sounding a bit disappointed. "I knew that."

"See? There's nothing you can do to me, so bugger off!" growled Vince, trying to sound more tough than he actually was.

"Oh I think there's plenty I can do to you, pet. There's plenty I can do to _both_ of you." Vanessa reached out and stroked the bottom of Howard's chin as if he were her pet. The noises Howard made upon each touch simultaneously made Vince nauseous and aroused. "What do you think, Vincie?"

"Come right in—NO! I will NOT go for the succubus three-way!"

"Are you sure?" Vanessa stepped inside and closed the door behind herself. Vince tried to stop her but he just couldn't bring himself to move. "I get what I want, you get what you want. Howard, well his opinion doesn't matter because he'll do whatever I say."

"I'm standing right here!" Howard huffed.

"What did I just say, pet?"

"Can't remember," Howard said blankly.

"I'm going to call Naboo. He'll make you wish you never set eyes on Howard."

Vince pulled out his mobile and began to dial when Vanessa snatched the phone from his hand.

"Naughty Vince," she growled and slapped him hard across the face.

"I never noticed how blue your eyes are," sighed Howard, seeming not to notice his friend's plight.

"Will you stuff it, Howard?!" Vince yelled, holding his cheek. A large red handprint was still visible on Vince's face.

Vanessa grabbed both of their wrists just above where the handcuffs rested. Even though her hands appeared small and dainty her grip was unbreakable, and some sort of electricity surged through Vince, making him lose his desire to fight back were he able to.

"You know why we only go after the celibate? Because when men have a wife or girlfriend they usually figure out how to keep us away." Vanessa leaned in close. "The handcuffs were a nice touch. They were probably the shaman's idea, right Vincie? But I never knew just how fun taking a bloke who has another man in love with him would be." She licked his ear, sending shivers down his spine as Howard weakly protested, his voice sounding farther away than it should have. "Now I get to have you both. You'll probably die minutes apart just like Howard here said."

She grabbed a fistful of hair and pulled him into a kiss. Despite the pain, Vince found himself kissing her back with hunger he had never felt while kissing neither man or woman. He wanted to claw at her face, pull her hair, _anything_ to get it to stop but at the same time he was unable to convince himself that he didn't need it to continue.

She pulled back, with an evil smile and kissed Howard with the same passion, and surprisingly, he was more jealous of Howard than he was of Vanessa. Somewhere in the back of his mind a part of him that had not completely lost it was screaming at him to do something but that voice felt just as far away as Howard's.

"I love you Vanessa," Howard sobbed into her shoulder like a child that had just reunited with his mum. He sound weak, almost as if..._He's dying. Howard's dying because you're not strong enough_, Vince shouted in his mind.

"Shall we move things into the bedroom?"

His legs moved on their own and before he knew it, he was on Howard's bed for the first time ever, with Vanessa straddling him as Howard kissed her neck feverishly, not caring that he was pulling the handcuffs so hard that they were digging into Vince's wrist.

Vanessa leaned in until he could feel her cold breath on his ear. "Don't worry, pet; I'll make Howard's death quick and..._relatively_ painless."

Her hand slid to the soft part of his side just under his ribs and suddenly dug her nails in. Vince's eyes darted to where her hand was drawing blood, passing something shiny on Howard's nightstand. _Howard's knife!_ His mind yelled.

"But you, Vincie. Your death will be a painful masterpiece. I'll wear your skin as a hat and bathe in your blood. Perhaps I'll make your lover watch, the whole time whining to be with me. Then we'll screw on your ashes until I finally bore of him and kill him."

Vince bit his lip, summoning all of his strength, and punched Howard across the side of his head. In the distraction this provided, Vince snatched up the switchblade and plunged it into the demon's heart. Vanessa screamed in pain, but her voice was no longer human. In seconds she transformed into a beast with blood red scales, yellow, razor sharp teeth, and eyes as black as the blood that seeped out of her chest like hot tar.

"_You think that will kill me?!_" the demon hissed, her voice sounded like someone dragging a shovel across asphalt. "_Fool! A little knife like that can't kill me!_"

"Good thing I've got a bigger one, bitch," Howard spat, brandishing a large machete.

With one clean swipe, Howard decapitated the demon. Its head rolled across the room and hit Howard's chest-of-drawers with a sickening thud. Blood oozed out of its neck all over Vince while he lay helpless underneath its body with a wide-eyed expression.

"Howard!" Vince called out, and immediately had to suppress the urge to vomit. "You saved me," he choked.

Howard pulled the succubus's lifeless body off of Vince and then helped him up off of the bed just as the phone began to ring.

They hobbled over to the phone like two prisoners in a chain gang who just went to hell and back escaping prison. Howard put an arm around Vince, who looked barely able to stand.

Howard picked up the phone with his chained hand. "Hello?"

"Hey Howard." Naboo was on the other end, so Howard brought the phone closer to Vince so that he could hear. "Is everything all right over there?"

"Everything's going to be fine, Naboo."

"Bollo and I were invited to the after party, which will probably run all night. Are you two going to be okay?"

"Better than ever," Howard beamed at an exhausted but contented Vince.

"All right. Don't wait up."

"Howard," Vince said softly as Howard placed the phone back on the receiver. "I look disgusting, don't I?"

Howard looked his best friend over. He was shirtless, covered in demon blood, with a wound on his side that was dripping blood which mixed with the demon's blood and created an unsettling brown color. His hair was matted with blood and had flatted out in some places and was sticking up in others. His eyeliner had smudged, making him appear as if he had two black eyes, and his lip was red and swollen from when he bit it as he stabbed the demon.

"You look smashing," Howard breathed, pulling Vince into an electric kiss. Vince clung on to Howard like a drowning man, unable to breathe. It was way better than kissing Vanessa, even without the aid of magic.

"Thanks for saving me, Howard," said Vince dreamily as soon as he caught his breath.

"I wouldn't have had to if you hadn't gotten us into this mess," Howard teased, prompting Vince to glare at him with the intensity of an angry badger.

"I can't stand it any longer!" Vince shouted suddenly. "I need to take a bloody shower! There is no way in hell I can wait for Naboo to get home and separate us."

"I think I could use a rinse off myself," said Howard understatedly.

"Could I try that knife thing on _your_ clothes this time?"

**A/N: **Awwww...Look out for the epilogue!HHH


End file.
